Today was (NOT) a good day…
“But Burgandi, you’re always saying attitude is everything and to accentuate the positive!” UUUUUUGGGGGGGH…ok, yeah, so I do freaking say that and for the most part that is what I DO in order to not want to dig myself a very deep hole to live in…especially with everything happening in the world today. BUT TODAY WAS NOT ONE OF THOSE DAYS OK?!! SO you don’t need to remind me what my beliefs are or what I preach on the almost daily! BACK OFF! (Taking a DEEP breath)…Now, where was I. Ah yes, Today SUCKED. There, I said it. Yup. S-U-C-K-E-D. And not because of anything that happened in particular to me that was terrible, in the grand scheme of life, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t BLESSED. BUT still WE ARE ALL ALLOWED TO HAVE BAD DAYS!!! And today, definitely was not the best day for me and I am sure, countless other American’s around the nation.
Today is September 11th, 2017 which marks 16 years that the World Trade Center was attacked by terrorists. SO many innocent lives were lost and our lives were forever changed. I woke up this morning with this sick feeling in my belly…usually it’s because I ate way too many tortilla chips the night before but this was not the same feeling that I have grown to know all too well. This was deep…I mean really deep and dark and angry. So much so, that I felt numb then I felt heavy and sad and then angry again and I just wanted to go back to bed and hide away from whatever these feelings were. I guess it didn’t help that the last images I saw before bed, were of the World Trade Center in flames or pics of people plummeting to their deaths in the hopes to escape the burning building…(f’ing internet!) As I type this, it is the fist time I have actually cried about it and I can’t even cry about it on the same level that I feel so overwhelmingly sad about it. You know that feeling when the feels are stuck in your chest, then your throat and you feel the ugly cry face happening, but nothing comes out? Well, I don’t. This idea is foreign af to me I am an extremely sensitive and emotional girl and the fact that I’ve been thinking about this all day and haven’t cried is nothing short of a miracle. I can’t help but wonder why this year, of all of the years since this tragedy happened, I am so deeply torn to pieces about it. Now, let me be clear. For months after it happened I remember being really scared. I couldn’t sleep, I was terrified to fly, even more than I was before and scared to travel in general, even by car. It shifted this enormous fear mongering monster, that lay dormant and shaped my childhood into something that I still can’t define as anything other than paranoid, shaken, frightened and extremely tense. On that day in 2001, I “grew up” years in a matter of hours and those images will forever be burned in my brain as they will be in all of our minds and history, until the end of time.
I had never been to NYC at that point in my life and I remember the thought that I’d never get a chance to visit that beautiful city I’d hoped to live and work in one day was very real. What if the terrorists found a way to eliminate the east coast, the U.S.- THE WORLD?!?! From the images on TV and every news channel that seemed to be broadcasting 24-7 it seemed like we were all watching a terrible action movie over and over and over….there was no hope in site and the world appeared extremely gloomy to me for the first time in my life.
Fast forward to the time a few years ago, when I met a very creative man from NYC. An awesome and talented man with tons of spirit, who lived life to the fullest, everyday. He told me that he was there when it all went down. That he lost friends in the World Trade Center. That he was aimlessly running through the streets covered in ash and had to be aware of bodies coming out of the sky above him like rain. He said he went to years of therapy but he could still feel it, taste it, smell it, and see it every time he closed his eyes, like it had just happened and continued to loop in his mind non-stop. He told me that only after almost 12 years of speaking to his therapist, did he have the courage to talk about it to anyone even his close friends and family were hearing his story for the first time ever. It was heartbreaking, to say the least. This man was inspiring, strong courageous, beautiful and deeply affected but one thing he was NOT, was broken. I could only begin to imagine what he or anyone went through that day and even then, it was nothing in comparison, I am sure. It’s people like him and other countless stories and images that remind me of how life short truly is. It also reminds me that my “deep emotional anxiety” that I’ve associated, (created), with this day, is nowhere near what someone who experienced it first hand, lost loved ones or lived through that nightmare.
I guess the most valuable thing that I’ve discovered about today is the reason that I felt this way. I was pushing all of these thoughts and feelings away for years and this year, it finally hit me hard. The universe needed me to deal with myself completely, in more than 1 way so, I forced myself to push below the surface instead of just chalking it up to the fact I was PMS’ing or something. Instead of pushing my feelings down and actually dealing with it, I went through them #feels and let the emotions be what they were, for the majority of the day. I have to admit, I do feel like some weight has been lifted…emotions weigh more than we realize especially when we don’t deal with them head on. So yeah, I didn’t have a “good” day, BUT I had a breakthrough day and I’d rather have that kind of day, any day. Can I get an Amen?
To everyone who lost someone, to all of those who’ve suffered and still are, from the tragic happenings of that horrendous day, to the innocent lives lost and the devastation to our nation; thank you for your courage, your strength and your non-stop inspiration. May we always remember to rise above and join together with LOVE!
Comment below with your story I’d love to hear your thoughts and feelings.